5 ways mental illness changed me

credit: http://www.iliketoquote.com/you-re-are-braver-than-you-believe/

I have never directly addressed my mental illnesses on my blog, I very rarely talk about it in real life because sometimes I don't know how another person views mental illnesses. However I have always felt like my blog is my safe place so to be able to speak freely without caring too much about what others will think is so relaxing. 

Since the age of 13 - 7 years ago - I have suffered from anxiety, depression and an eating disorder along with body dysmorphia, and as young as 14 I had several unhealthy coping mechanisms, one of them being self-harm. Fortunately, I am able to say today that I am free of all self-harm, I can still remember the day I told myself enough was enough. Since the age of 16 or 17 I have overcome my eating disorder but yet everyday can be a challenge, there are some days where I have to remind myself that I need to stay healthy, and not just for me. I definitely don't have the same thought process as I did when dealing with my eating disorder, but parts will always remain and sometimes come to light in the smallest of ways. Sometimes I won't pay attention to the little voice inside of my head trying to get me to fall back into unhealthy habits but then on bad days whether it's a bad day with my anxiety or just in general, that little voice might not be so little, but rather, loud.

Today though, my anxiety and depression are still a part of me and I have learned to accept that. I have good days and bad days, it happens, but I am learning how to deal with it everyday. I am really thankful that I have found my own healthy ways to cope with everyday life. I know it will never be easy but that's okay, I have come a long way and I'm seeing some light in every day. To tell my whole story would take up a whole day and I'm not quite ready to share everything to be completely honest, I just wanted to ease my way into being more open about my mental illnesses.

I am a very exhausted person. 

physically, mentally and emotionally I am constantly exhausted. Bad days really can drain the life out of me and no, a nap won't fix it, it isn't that kind of tired. Good days obviously aren't as bad, but I still can't really class them as 'good' because there's always something lurking. I have learned, though, that generally being exhausted has helped me be patient with myself as naturally I now take things at my own speed and don't push myself to do a million and one things in one day because I know that that will just make me feel worse.

Sometimes doing things I enjoy or seeing the people I love is just a thing to be done, almost like a chore.

This is why blogging has become so difficult for me in the past year and a half. I could never bring myself to finish a post, take a photo, etc. Even trying to finish my novel sometimes - which has always been my favourite thing to do - becomes a chore and that's when I know that I have to take a step back and not force myself to do anything. And then comes the social side of things. There are days when I even have to tell my boyfriend that I want to just stay inside and be in the comfort of my own home with him rather than be outside. In terms of friends, I constantly push people away due to the way I have changed. It's something that is inevitable, I guess. I just get used to losing people due to my struggle with making a constant effort.

I've become a lot more understanding of others and problems that they have faced. I am more aware.

Dealing with problems from a young age and watching family members and generally a lot of people around me dealing with all kinds of problems has made me very aware of those around me and to always remember that everyone's dealing or dealt with something and to always be respectful of that. Everyone has their own way of coping and just because you may be doing okay doesn't mean that another person is, too. Everyone's experiences and stories are different, no one is the same.

I'm finally in control

This is certainly something I never thought I would feel. Control. Control of my emotions, my thoughts, my actions, my bad habits, my mind. Everything. My journey through mental illness has been a rollercoaster, one that I never thought that I would overcome, and each obstacle I was forced to face became a new achievement and everyday I have been learning about control - ever since I became free of self-harm at 17, especially.

Appreciating everyday
Mental illness can be terrifying, but you will find your way past every obstacle you come to face. After being in the darkest days I have ever experienced, one of the biggest things I have learned is how to appreciate everything I am given and everything I experience everyday. It's definitely not the easiest thing to do but I believe that trying to find one thing in everyday that I appreciate or am happy/grateful for was extremely helpful despite how difficult it was.

Just wanted to write a small message to let you all know that you're not alone and that you can get through anything. If you need to speak to anyone, speak to someone you trust and please don't be afraid to reach out for help. Or, Find A Crisis Line Near You.

Thanks for reading,

Until next time, be you and keep smiling.